May 7, 2008

Output, Part 1

As I've said before, I have some major anxiety issues. They've come to a head again today. Those of you who know me well, also know this isn't the first time it's happened.

Obviously, because of my anxieties I find it hard to talk to people. Mostly those I'm not familiar with, but also people in positions of authority above mine. That second group isn't too bad if they've managed to prove to me that they're normal people too. That sounds a little odd, but what I mean is that they've proven their someone who's been in the trenches - someone who's been where there subordinates are.

As an example of the former group: I once spent three days on a couple of beaches in Southern California and it wasn't until the near the time we left the beach that I asked if I could borrow someone's board - after the first day, we were pretty much on surf-only beaches too. For the second group, I only have to point to my immediate supervisor. I'm sure he's a perfectly normal guy who knows what I'm going through - I have reason to suspect he takes a while to open up to people - but I never see much of that (to be honest, I don't see much of him anyways since at most talks to me once a day). Since I haven't connected with him, it's hard for me to talk to him about some of the problems I have. A year and a half ago I had a project that was destined to go way over-estimate, and it took me breaking down - I was basically away from work for a whole week or so of sick-time - to get me to talk to him about, to get some help, and finally put the project to bed.

I've come to a point like that one again. In this case though, I'm don't think the issue is that I need help to bring things to a close; I just need someone to understand where I'm coming from. I work on the project for over a month and suddenly, after one demo with a user, my whole sense of direction on the project is swept out from under me. I haven't been able to find it since, despite the non-result of one poorly organized/unnecessary meeting and suggestions from my supervisor. I'm to the point that I'm thinking maybe it needs a fresh pair of uninterested eyes turned to it for a redesign/reorganization of ideas.

I honestly don't know how to overcome these anxieties, but they're there and right now they're crippling my ability to enjoy life and do my job.

This is getting to be quite the ramble, so I'm splitting it up. Thanks to Blogger's recently added "scheduled publish" option, I should be able to type all of this up and then just schedule the pieces to let themselves out over the next day or so.


Anonymous said...

I'm really sorry you're having to deal with these problems, Sam. I went through a period of pretty severe depression around the time you guys got to DTC and missed some work, so I kind of understand. If you need somebody to talk to, please don't hesitate to give me a call or send me an e-mail. I know you can get through this.

Sam said...

Thanks. So far that's two people who are trying to get me keep positive (admittedly, there are three more who just don't know about the situation that I'm sure would). I've just never been very open with myself or with others - even my own family.